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Excerpts from published eBooks

Captain Disaster: The Dark Side of the Moon - 1 2 3
The Captain Disaster Collection - 1 2 3 4
The Mellow Hip of the Thing - 1 2 3
Captain Disaster: The Damaris Touch - 1 2
Outside, Inside - 1 2 3 4

Monday, 7 November 2016

Excerpt from "Mellow Hip of the Thing"

(Note - misspellings are 99% likely to be intentional.)

“Bilbo, I thought you said you were going to give me a ring?”

“Sorry about that. It’s the Sauron charges on phone calls these days. And, you see, I’ve had a problem talking.”

Gandlaf winced at the mention of the dreaded name of EVIL, or perhaps it was just the awful pun.  That doesn’t seem likely, old friend. What happened then, anyway? Balrog got your tongue?”

“Well, not exactly. I had a terrible disease, you see.”


“Yeah – I got Wormtongue.”  In his mind, Bilbo heard a fanfare going and a crowd laughing and cheering.  His reaction from Gandalf was slightly less enthusiastic.

“Ah.  I see your sense of humour hasn’t improved.”

Bilbo ignored this slur.  “But the healing hands of the King saved me! That and Beechams Cold & Flu remedy.”

“Thou shalt not chit-chat! The White Council have decided to move against the growing power of Wamralt, my friend. We need your help. You have access to the Dwarves.”

“The Dwarves? What can the Dwarves do against the many stores of Wamralt?”  Bilbo wondered how Gandalf knew that he still had dwarven pen friends.

Once more Gandalf groaned internally at the stupidity of this fat little creature, who was only key to the plot by diabolically deliciously devious downright dubious device of a ludicrously lunatic literary literally lyrical nature.  “Dwarves, my old friend, have axes. Because you know what more stores mean?”

GASP! Mordors!”

Yes, it really is this bad.  If you actually enjoyed it, seek professional help, after buying the eBook from Amazon Kindle UK or Amazon Kindle US.  Or another Amazon online store in your country. 

You know it makes sense.

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