Excerpt 2 from "Outside, Inside"

Inside a Tormented Mind

I awoke to the sound of a silent scream from a distant dream,

Voices of the dead echoing through my head.

What had I been, and what had I seen?

What did I do, and who did I do it to?

Feelings of guilt felt as if they were inbuilt,

Like this invisible chain suffocating my brain. 

Why this madness?  Why this pain?

Why did I feel like I was going insane?

Who were my victims, and was I unjust?

Did I do it for vengeance, or was it for lust?

Were these sins fresh as morning dew, or old as ancient dust?

Discovery would be painful, but find out I must.

I asked the Police, but that didn’t work -

They just looked at me as if I was completely berserk.

I looked in the library for a clue or a hint -

There was no ray of enlightenment there, not even a glint.

I tried asking everyone that I called a friend;

They said it was too long since I’d seen my CPN.

They all think I’m mad, that my guilt is illusionary -

They think my mind’s gone, my memories delusionary.

But I know the truth, voices in my head told me I have to pay

For the evil I’ve done, but what evil they won’t say.

I just have to go on searching, one day my answer I’ll find…

And then they won’t think that I’m out of my mind.

I’m on medication now, I think they call it Depot.

The voices have gone away, but the dreams still persist.

Now I think I’m insane, but they think I’m ill…

Their arguments seem persuasive, but sometimes I resist.

This feeling of guilt is too real not to be true,

Isn’t it?

I wonder.

Read the full poem in my collection Outside, Inside.